I’ve got this senile old coot fom British Columbia whose family keeps him locked up in an attic and every now and then lets him out to use a computer. He likes to send me emails like the following:
Good Morning – Whose economy? A pipeline straight to TX will create a buyer’s market. Cheap Canadian oil for the USA. By the by – have you ever sat down with your MO or druggist and discuss your meds? Your foul language , spelling and grammatical errors would suggest more than a pain in the ass. Honour the Rat – they are dying in the thousands in stem cell research which, one day,may enable you to walk.
I wonder why he is against cheap oil? That spurs the American economy and the American economy drives the world economy. He must be a rat bastard commie.
Foul language? You bet! I love that shit! I love telling people to go fuck themselves. Especially dumb fucking booger eatin’ moh-rons!
Spelling and grammar? Not so much. Maybe he doesn’t like my use of “figger”, “sumpin”, “gummint”, “prolly”. or some of the other words I intentional misspell (BTW, have you ever noticed how many people misspell the word “misspell?) to reflect the American vernacular(I hope “vernacular” is not too large of a word for him). An American could take him to task for his spelling of “honour”. I’m sure he feels superior to us barbaric Americans by using the English spelling but he does live in British Columbia and that’s how they spell it there.
Grammar? He wrote “have you ever sat down with your MO or druggist and discuss your meds?” Bzzzzzt! Bad grammar! It should be either “and discussed” – need to have the two verb tenses agree with each other – or replace “and discuss” with “to discuss”. I just love it when someone accuses me of using poor grammar and uses poor grammar in the process. I guess we could use that as an example of irony or just plain stupidity.
He once tried to school me on English history but got his Henrys wrong and didn’t realize the Tudor dynasty started with Henry VII. When I corrected him he admitted his mistake and later said “he was testing me”. It took him three months to come up with that riposte. He’s also the booger eatin’ moh-ron who asked me on two separate occasions why I didn’t teach guitar to black children at a community center in Atlanta. I guess that was his way of calling me a racist. Like I would want to go to a community center in a black neighborhood in Atlanta. I value my life and my wallet. I guess I should take it as a compliment that he thinks I play well enough to teach. I don’t think black children would want to learn to play the type of music I play.
I’m all for stem cell research. Unfortunately, stem cells will never make me walk again. I’ve been injured way too long and the nerves below the scarring have all died so even if they do figger (purposely misspelled – American vernacular) out how to regenerate spinal cells the myelin sheath is all gone for the lower motor neurons so they could not regenerate. Also, since I’ve been a crip for so long, too much muscle mass is gone due to atrophy of the muscles. I’m sure what I wrote is over his head. Once again, he writes about sumpin’ (purposely misspelled – American vernacular) he knows nothing about. I can almost see him drooling all over the keyboard.
I’ve met many Canadians in my life. Most of them are like our beloved Claudia. I can honestly say that this guy is the first Canadian I don’t like and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. He got really pissed off at me when I referred to him as” my Canadian buddy”. I guess he didn’t get the satire. It’s sad when you have to explain stuff like that, but as I said, he is a senile old coot with delusions of grandeur. The next time I emailed him I made it a point to identify what was satire, what words were purposely misspelled, and what parts of the email were insults. For some reason he wasn’t amused. For the record, most of this post is an insult. I’m making fun of him. I hope he understands that.
He never has posted a comment in the comments section of the blog. Maybe he can’t figger (purposely misspelled – American vernacular) out how to do that. After all, mastering email was hard enough. He prolly (purposely misspelled and internet slang for probably) doesn’t want my smartass readers to take him to the woodshed for making stupid comments and they would. Dudley1 would really enjoy it. AlphaDelta and Jeremy would have some fun as well. This guy makes it so easy. I actually look forward to his emails. They make my day. It’s nice to know that I’m touching lives in other countries.